Your Therapists Corner

Dear Anonymous,

I would like to start by saying that I know what you're going through. Not by personal experience, but through the experience of other people that I have talked to and I know how hard it is to recover from such a situation like you have been through. But, let me tell you, it is not impossible. Keep up hope and try and listen to what I have to say.

First, I would like to address the manipulation and emotional abuse the guy put you through. One of the most common reasons a man abuses or manipulates a woman, is to exercise more than just physical control. It is often the same way with rapists or child abusers. The person seeks to build up themselves or satisfy some feeling or need that they have, so they seek out the vulnerable and claim ground. The physical act of controlling who you talk to, or what you wear, is only the superficial problem. As we look deeper into what is going on, we need to think, what is wrong with the guy that he thinks he is fixing or satisfying by doing this? In cases like yours, it’s usually a deep sense of insecurity, but it can also be that he has lost someone very near and dear to him. Often times when life changing events have negative effects on a person, it can have very horrible consequences and unfortunately those consequences tend to have their own set of consequences, as you have experienced. This is also why he continues to harass you. He knows he has lost you for good, and since he knows he can’t win, he wants to play games with you to try and win in the long run, or at least make your life miserable in the process.

The only way to get rid of him for good, or at least remove the effects he has on you, is to move on. Now, don’t get me wrong. I am in no way saying that it will be easy in even the smallest of ways, but it is definitely necessary. Now, you might be asking, “Where do I start?”, so let me tell you. You need to start by opening your mind to other guys. Now, what I mean by that, is that you need to think of some guys you know, other guys you’ve liked, guys you think are cute, or whatever and try and think of different qualities you like about them. Think of things that caught your attention or intrigued you. This will help you be able to open up to guys in a real life sense, one that isn’t only in your head. Do your best to remove your ex from your mind as much as possible. Sever the ties he has to your emotions as best as you can.

As you go about opening up your mind, and eyes to other guys, try opening your heart a little. Experiment. Take risks. Ask guys out on dates, or go out on dates with other guys. These dates don't have to be romantic or anything really special, just a nice picnic, or hanging out at a public place; things like that. Try your best to enjoy them as much as possible. Now, I understand your wish to refrain from special physical contact, and in some senses, that’s a good thing. Often times, being romantically and physically involved with someone before a substantial bond and sense of commitment has been established can cause major problems in the long run. So, in my advice, try to work on clearing away the fear of such attachments, but also make them carefully.

As you go about your everyday life, doing the things mentioned above, make sure to think to yourself; think about the good in your life. Think about the good in other guys. And think about the good that is happening within you as your seek to better your life. I know that nothing I have said here will be easy, but like I said, it is all necessary. Be Smart. Be Open. And Be Strong.