Your Therapists Corner

Dear Anonymous,

     One of the mostimportant parts of marriage is trust. Trust allows both parties to live throughtheir marriage in peace and love. It allows things to happen that otherwise wouldn’t.It allows a bonding like no other. And it allows you to move forward in thebest of ways. Without trust, marriages become vulnerable to so many negativeaspects that it seems the marriage will just crumble.

     Whether you'redating, engaged or married, being cheated on by your partner represents theultimate form of romantic betrayal and can completely obliterate the trust youhave for your partner. Cheating has far more to do than with sex because it violatesthe expectation of monogamy and therefore shatters the basis of romanticintimacy. For most of us, being cheated on produces instant feelings of intensehurt that gradually turn into feelings of simmering resentment, which prompt usto end the relationship or find some other way of coping with such pain.However, there are often mitigating factors that keep us from following ourinstinct to end a damaged relationship, such as children, finances, or thechoice to forgive. Most experts will correctly tell you that maintaining a deadrelationship in the name of convenience is a disaster waiting to happen. But ifyou still feel love for your partner, there's some valuable relationship advicefor women that can help you determine whether or not your relationship is worthsaving.

     When you're ableto look your partner in the eye again, ask him to explain why he cheated, andto do it in depth. Guys usually don't like in depth conversations but at thispoint, you need to do what is necessary to open him up. As you listen to hisanswer, you'll get a good idea about whether or not the relationship is worth fixing,or if it needs ending. If he responds by saying that he cheated because youdidn't give him enough emotional or physical attention, consider whether he hasa point. Even though you're not the guilty party and no excuse is a good excusefor cheating, considering the error of your own romantic ways could be key torestoring your relationship. However, if he tries to make it seem like hischeating was entirely your fault, you may as well not waste your time onsomeone who won't take responsibility for his actions. Improving yourrelationship after an affair is contingent upon your partner performing self-improvement,and a man who won't hold himself responsible for his own mistakes isn't goingto improve. Whether it’s a mid-life crisis, self-esteem issues, or an eventlike yours, nothing will get done if the person at fault doesn’t do anything tochange the situation. You can talk to them and advise them and help as much asyou want, but without self commitment and determination, nothing will besolved.  

     The second thingto watch for as you discuss the issue of your partner's infidelity is whetherhe understands the full impact of his actions and what they have done to you.If he starts saying such things as "but it was only sex" or "allmen have this problem", it's a sign that he neither contemplates your hurtnor is willing to accept responsibility for his vices. If he takes thisposition after cheating on you, you shouldn't expect him to take a differentposition on controversial issues in the future, and you can expect this tohappen again.

     If after talkingwith your partner you become satisfied that he understands how his cheating hasdamaged the relationship, the next piece of relationship advice for women whohave been cheated on is to ask him to demonstrate his renewed devotion to you.But you don't have to do this directly. A better way to test his devotion is toask him to do some things that are very reasonable in the wake of a sexualaffair, such as get tested for sexual diseases, attend relationship counselingand provide you with the password to his email, social networking, and instantmessaging accounts. If he tells you how sorry he is but refuses to go out ofhis way to restore your faith in him, you're probably dealing with a selfishsmooth talker and should end the relationship. A man who is truly repentant andwho is truly in love with you will do what is necessary to keep you.

Following these pieces of relationship advice for women whohave been cheated on isn't guaranteed to undo the hurt caused by cheating, butit will help you decide whether to give your partner a chance or not.